Today has been a bad day. For the last year I have been on a personal and professional roller coaster and I don't know when it is going to let up. But there is some hope on the horizon, because today I figured out some things. I have been handling my boyfriend's absence in a way that I didn't think was entirely possible. In our relationship, I haven't made too many mistakes if I do say so myself, except that I accepted a secondary role. Due to my professional woes, I have put myself on the back burner and chosen to support him and his career fully. Though I miss him terribly, my life has gone on regardless, I have laughed and been happy without him. Our separation has given me the opportunity to think about how I've conducted myself in my relationship that I wouldn't otherwise have gotten.
Being the significant other of a person in the military was never part of my life plan, and I don't think that I would have made an exception for anyone less worthy. It is not how he treats me that I am reflecting on, but rather how I have been so hard on myself. With every professional setback I beat myself up, and cause unnecessary harm. I am a great person who is talented, strong, and fun. These things need to be at the forefront of my mind while the world inevitably beats me up. Along with other military girlfriends and wives, I've developed a lot of resilience, and must learn to have more faith in my ability to bounce back after facing a little bit of adversity. Obstacles are what I'm used to, and tearing them down is what I do best.
I am not sure where along the way I forgot all of the points I made in my last paragraph. Being Lindsey Bevan has never been an easy endeavor, but nobody does it as well as I do. I find myself gaining in confidence every time I solve a new problem and regardless of my boyfriend's whereabouts in the world I will be okay. Though I love him and every moment that we spend together, my every happiness is not dependent on his presence and approval. The fact that he will allow me the freedom to follow my own professional destiny, and pursue my personal ambitions, shows how much he respects me. I hope that I can do him proud, but more importantly I want to build my own self-confidence and re-learn how to be more of an individual. And learn how to drive.